So today I decided that at the very least i can attempt to blog every day for a whole year and challenge myself a little. This is a challenge because of my inability to completion of tasks. If i make this 'simple' habit and make it through I am able to accomplish something I set out to do while also being able to gather a years worth of randomness.
I am anxious that I won't have anything to write about or that I won't be inspired to write.
Or that I will get stuck.
Or that I will get stuck.
My writing is my outlet and I could just as easily type this up a word document for my eyes only but why did I choose to blog? It certainly isn't to gain an audience or for a lack of someone to talk to but I guess it feels like I'm reaching out to the universe in a way. Maybe in our quest to live our lives - we often forget that we are a tiny and insignificant compared to what's out there. There are mysteries, miracles and countless amount of things that are beyond our means or grasps and I guess blogging can be a way to try to make sense of it all without really trying.
You know when you try but not really try. It's like living but not really living. We go through the motions every day - we go to work, we eat lunch, we have fights, we make love, we sob, we laugh our heads off, we watch tv, we sleep, we talk, we do all the things that is expected of us.
What do I expect of life? I expect that it will throw a few lessons at me that I normally didn't even think to ask or learn. I expect it will continually challenge me to not just go through the motions but to really live even while I'm still doing what is expected of me.
We can't hide away from what is expected - we can challenge it but it is inevitable. We all have responsibilities and we all somewhere to be, something do - no matter how important or unimportant it may seem to us personally and to everyone else that matters.
I guess the biggest challenge for me at the moment is how to live life and really live it and make it worthwhile. I think that i need to be more conscious of really living because of late - I have just been going through the motions. I find it hard to deal with the hard stuff! The stuff that hurts! The things that i should resolve. Both internally and externally.
That's probably why I'm so confused right now. I'm at a weird crossword between happiness and futility. I know i can't give up quite yet but my inability to start projects and complete them is throwing my confidence out of whack and I'm finding it hard to find the passion to keep trying.
I feel disconnected from the world you know. I cling to my partner as a coping mechanism and i sense that he can't always handle me and my weirdness but God love him he always tries. That's how I know he loves me and I guess that's what makes him an easy target for my coping.
I feel like we've both been rejected by the world because we make sense of each other and that's really the most important priority for us. It seems that no one is really happy for us and is willing to celebrate the importance of our being together in the scope of things. I know they just don't understand it which means that most people don't have this kinds of relationships in their lives otherwise they would understand. It's shocking yet comforting at the same time to know that I belong in a really special partnership that I believe is really one of a kind.
I don't quite know what the days ahead will bring. I am up to the point of not caring or making an effort. I just want to give everyone the finger and tell them all to fuck off and I don't need them.
But you know - we humans need connections. We need friends.. we need family.. we need support networks. It's a lonely place out there - even couples need to be accepted and loved to.
This comes as a suprise to me. When I was single I thought that all i needed was that partner for my life to be okay - and now i guess another thing that I should have expected life to hit me is that it's really not that easy. Happiness doesn't come gift wrap with a big pretty pink ribbon. It comes a plastic bag filled with shit that you have to to try to dip your hand in and hope for the best.
At least it's your own shit!
So begins my thoughts for my very first day of posting............... here's to the next 364 days!
Cheers!
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