ahhhh autumn rising!

There's a chill in the air...2 days before daylight savings ends.. easter weekend is upon Sydney this morning...

Autumn has come.

Another season over - it was only yesterday that we welcomed summer and looked forward to our Philippine holiday. Gone too soon - memory is all we have.

A lot of fun in the sun this summer - from Manila to Boracay to beautiful Sydney summers and Gold Coast sunshiney days. There's a long winter ahead - time for warm cuddles and hating getting out of bed so early in the morning. No more daylight savings and so goodbye sunshine and long summer days.

I'm not a fan of autumn - I guess because you can't really feel autum here. In my minds eye there is a vision of red auburn leaves falling from the trees and covering the ground like in those american movies when they say it's fall. Funny how they are springing while we are falling.

Ah - there it goes again - the parallels!

I was staring at my newly painted fingers while in bed earlier and was captivated that my thumbs are identical and upon further inspection it appears that my hands are complete match of each other.

P was a little puzzled as he walked in to find me staring at my fingers! I never really paid attention before - but it turns out that our face isn't symmetrical. P learned this in one of his art classes. Hmmm Anyways - I think there was a point but I lost it in the grapevine! LA LA LA

So I laid in bed til 8am today - P got up for work and I was intending to get up so that I can reverse my body clock to prepare myself to my return to work on Tuesday. (thank God again for easter weekend! got one more day salvation!) But i need sleep - turning into a vampire. Sleep during the day and stay up all night. I think it's my body telling me not to conform. If only I didn't have a job to do! I wish i was the lucky random dude out there who won 30 million in oz lotto last night ..... **SIGH** seriously! I don't think i was meant to conform. I know that my life has to be more than just conformity and doing what everyone else does and routinely living out the days until I die!

Seriously!

I found the best! Japanese Noodle place in the city. I was famished and had wanton Ramen and ready my new Jude Deveraux book. I hate eating alone - i had to buy a book so i can do something rather than eat alone in public. Ha! Even though everyone else around me strangely enough was eating alone. i am paranoid!

So after a quick hit of grande caramel macchiato and buying purple flats (yey for sales!) - i headed back home and hanged out with P for the evening. We saw the previews for Jersey shores and couldn't stop laughing. OMG! I figure that they have two target audiences. 1. Those that can relate to the Guidoness and Guidaness of it all! 2. Those that totally think it's HILARIOUS! - the randomness of it all. Seriously one of the dudes named his abs - the situation!!?!?!? like WTF!

It is absurdly! hilarious............we recorded it and put a series link! lol

Seriously - what has the world come to that this is entertainment?!?! We can only watch so much Seinfeld reruns - at least back in the day we used to enjoy shows about nothing and it was original and different. Now all the shows are about nothing that it's mind blogging..

Makes me wonder.. what is next? What is in the horizon? What do (they! the ones that rule the world cos trust me they are out there and they are rich) want us to be entertained next?

ah I wish I was the rich bitch that had plenty of money that brainwashed people on what to eat, what to watch, what to do and how to live!!! hehe only so i can sleep all day and wake up all night hatching my plan to rule the world.

=) it's a work in progress. I think I have stumbled in a great plan!

what a day!

I couldn't sleep again last night. I managed to sleep at 6:30 am and woke up at midday. I really must break this habit. Back to work on Tuesday (thank God for easter weekend!)

Bad day today. Just filled with negative energy altogether. I was hungry - I haven't slept properly. I was feeling a little dejected and homesick.

I miss home. I haven't been home for a few months. Sure I stayed for a couple of nights but not long enough to say I was really home.

Something hit me today - and it really disturbed me. This is not my home. i could never really feel at home here... I don't have the authority or the power to do what I need to do and to really be myself.

I don't mind sharing the house but I know that this is not my home and if it's going to work between myself and my partner - we need to move from here. We need to start our life in our own space so we can both adjust to living away from home and not be homesick.

He doesn't get it because he is home. I feel bad that I feel homesick because I should be okay right.

But i'm homesick. I miss my mum. I miss my mums cooking. I miss the smell.. the sound.. the way things are at home.

Ah.

I need to spend some time home.

the beginning..

I have serious 'sticking to things' issues. I often start something and then I have this habit of just forgetting about it, procrastinating and or just couldn't be bothered.

So today I decided that at the very least i can attempt to blog every day for a whole year and challenge myself a little. This is a challenge because of my inability to completion of tasks. If i make this 'simple' habit and make it through I am able to accomplish something I set out to do while also being able to gather a years worth of randomness.

I am anxious that I won't have anything to write about or that I won't be inspired to write.
Or that I will get stuck.

My writing is my outlet and I could just as easily type this up a word document for my eyes only but why did I choose to blog? It certainly isn't to gain an audience or for a lack of someone to talk to but I guess it feels like I'm reaching out to the universe in a way. Maybe in our quest to live our lives - we often forget that we are a tiny and insignificant compared to what's out there. There are mysteries, miracles and countless amount of things that are beyond our means or grasps and I guess blogging can be a way to try to make sense of it all without really trying.

You know when you try but not really try. It's like living but not really living. We go through the motions every day - we go to work, we eat lunch, we have fights, we make love, we sob, we laugh our heads off, we watch tv, we sleep, we talk, we do all the things that is expected of us.

What do I expect of life? I expect that it will throw a few lessons at me that I normally didn't even think to ask or learn. I expect it will continually challenge me to not just go through the motions but to really live even while I'm still doing what is expected of me.

We can't hide away from what is expected - we can challenge it but it is inevitable. We all have responsibilities and we all somewhere to be, something do - no matter how important or unimportant it may seem to us personally and to everyone else that matters.

I guess the biggest challenge for me at the moment is how to live life and really live it and make it worthwhile. I think that i need to be more conscious of really living because of late - I have just been going through the motions. I find it hard to deal with the hard stuff! The stuff that hurts! The things that i should resolve. Both internally and externally.

That's probably why I'm so confused right now. I'm at a weird crossword between happiness and futility. I know i can't give up quite yet but my inability to start projects and complete them is throwing my confidence out of whack and I'm finding it hard to find the passion to keep trying.

I feel disconnected from the world you know. I cling to my partner as a coping mechanism and i sense that he can't always handle me and my weirdness but God love him he always tries. That's how I know he loves me and I guess that's what makes him an easy target for my coping.

I feel like we've both been rejected by the world because we make sense of each other and that's really the most important priority for us. It seems that no one is really happy for us and is willing to celebrate the importance of our being together in the scope of things. I know they just don't understand it which means that most people don't have this kinds of relationships in their lives otherwise they would understand. It's shocking yet comforting at the same time to know that I belong in a really special partnership that I believe is really one of a kind.

I don't quite know what the days ahead will bring. I am up to the point of not caring or making an effort. I just want to give everyone the finger and tell them all to fuck off and I don't need them.

But you know - we humans need connections. We need friends.. we need family.. we need support networks. It's a lonely place out there - even couples need to be accepted and loved to.

This comes as a suprise to me. When I was single I thought that all i needed was that partner for my life to be okay - and now i guess another thing that I should have expected life to hit me is that it's really not that easy. Happiness doesn't come gift wrap with a big pretty pink ribbon. It comes a plastic bag filled with shit that you have to to try to dip your hand in and hope for the best.

At least it's your own shit!

So begins my thoughts for my very first day of posting............... here's to the next 364 days!

Cheers!