ah anxiety

When I feel jittery and anxious and can't deal with the feeling that the room is closing in around me - I put make up on. Or I watch makeup tutorials.

I realised today that my coping mechanisms outside of P & family is putting makeup on. I feel like I don't think - I just do it and I feel better because I feel in control and I'm learning how to apply it with myself - I am becoming more confident.

Even when there are days when I am totally down and lazy (chronic laziness) part of my anxiety I think - is that I don't do the girly things I normally do. If I have makeup on - i feel more energetic. Like I can take control of my anxiety.

It's so hard. I know I need some sort of consultation that's why I need to see a doctor. The last month - it's been gone cos I don't have to go to work. Now that I have to be at work - it's back stronger than ever. I feel so anxious even more because I don't want to get in trouble and I don't want my work life to be affected. These things are important to me but with emotional health is fucked because of a lot of things that happened at work and I keep trying to be strong and handle the pressure in the end I am the one that breaks down.

It feels unfair! it hate itttttttttttttttttttttt

Last night though with all my anxiety - P talked me through it and I felt better but I can't just keep talking and talking. I need to start dealing with it as well.

Anyways - i was so anxious to call work - i sat around for two hours before i can dial and speak. And when i spoke to Nathan i know i sounded like a blubbering mess. I hate being a mess. I want to be back to my old self!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The one that can take on the whole world!

phew.... sadness! now i just need to not be anxious about getting professional assistance.

Ah. I want to be back to my old self!

a little test...

I hate conflicts! I can't stand fights.

Doesn't everyone have shortcomings?

Isn't everyone hard to please?

Am I expecting too much or being particularly out of my element now.

I don't know where this relationship will take me and I'm afraid that i'm not as sure as I used to be that love can conquer all. Because both of us need to feel and believe it. It won't work if it's just me....

I'm sad today.

Easter Saturday

Greek Orthodox Easter coincides with Catholic Easter this year and spend it with the K's.

They have church as well and they spend it a little bit like our Christmas. They go to mass from 9pm onwards - OMG! their version of 'mass' lasts for hours! I have been to a few but the only thing stopping me from going more is that I don't understand a word they are saying. Greek Orthodox is very traditional and 'old skool'. I like that everyone gets dressed to go to church - brings back memories of those days when I was young and getting dressed pretty for church.

It's very casual here in Australia - but I supposed going to mass and making sure that the message of mass is more important than what you look like. I need to go to church more - I enjoyed going with L before.

Anyways we didn't end up going to mass with P's parents though we did go to the K's at Redfern. They eat a bopis like soup and something a little like arroz caldo for something very similar to a noche buena! Then they get hard boiled painted eggs and smack them into each other and if your egg doesn't crack, then you win. Then you get to eat the egg.. pretty fun.

As mentioned before they have very similar things to ours but then again the modern world would be based on the foundation of Greek culture. Hello - Greek history goes way way way back. So much back than filipino history.

I'm glad that my kids (when I have them) will be immersed to two very different yet similar cultures. I mentioned it to P the other day as to what church we are going to get married in and what religionn our kids will be.. he said he hasn't thought that far ahead. If you ask me - he probably doesn't even want to go there. I wish sometimes he would be more open with this thoughts on this.

Because it's highly unlikely that I will convert - I am not super religious but I am very spiritual and I think that if we were going to get married - i would prefer Catholic ceremony or just the courts. Nothing against Greek orthodox or anything but when i try to find out about it from P, he knows very little about it and that doesn't really encourage me to follow it.

Anyways... that's like opening another can of worms. I guess we have to cross the bridge when we get to it.

Peace. happy easter

Semi Good Friday!

I'm still at P's. I Got up this morning and just didn't feel like going.

Just had a vision of what my day will be like - and I just couldn't go through with it.

I just remember all the times that I felt left out ... like I was a visitor. I feel very uncomfortable as if I don't belong.

It might just be and I'm feeling very paranoid but that's how I feel.

i'm not going to blame myself or feel sorry for myself anymore.

It's just how it is and I don't want to deal with it.

Not right now because I can't get rid of the feeling myself.

Sigh. enough

Aprils fools day!

Hm. Happy Aprils Fools day! Completely missed it - woke up at 12pm today. P and I fell asleep at 6am! He had a 'nana' nap last night after another long day at work and therefore he ended up staying up the rest of the night with me - chit chatting and what not.

Conversations at dawn ... one of the many reasons why I love him so. We spoke of parenting, our parents, childhood, our values, anthropology, sociology and so on and so forth. Our burgeoning desire to not 'conform'. We want to be awake while everyone is asleep, we want to be asleep while everyone is awake working and doing what not. We want to live outside the box and as lonely as it is outside of it - we take comfort at the idea that we have each other.

Great way to describe true love huh. These conversations at 4am in the dark :) the only thing stopping us is the cashflow - work in progress! Now wouldn't that be a great blog - would very interesting. Three hundred and sixty five days of non-conformity or better yet three hundred and sixty five days of being FUCKING RICH!

The old adage comes to mind 'money does not make for happiness' or some thing like that. Unfortunately this is not always the case - lol Not for our plan anyways ...

Don't get me wrong - we are extremely happy and grateful for all that we have and we have a lot of blessings. Just that when you are happy and in love - you want more. In fact that's exactly what we discussed last night - humanity and our constant need to have more to be more that what we have. It's like an unspoken quest - practically an expectation.

This is what money means to me - freedom for more time. If I can't ever have money - i want to figure out a way to have that freedom that time affords without it. Once I have the secret formula - I will blog about it! hehe

So Easter is upon us - Good Friday tomorrow. It's a time for reflection on all things we take for granted. I am not religious but I am spiritual. I consider tomorrow to me a day of mourning for all things lost and hopeful for time and days ahead.

It's getting harder and harder to leave P. I couldn't leave him today and go home. I just feel like there's nothing there for me anymore. yes - that makes me sad.

in the spirit of easter - tomorrow I will mourn that loss and look forward to the opportunity to find it again in the coming days.