ah anxiety

When I feel jittery and anxious and can't deal with the feeling that the room is closing in around me - I put make up on. Or I watch makeup tutorials.

I realised today that my coping mechanisms outside of P & family is putting makeup on. I feel like I don't think - I just do it and I feel better because I feel in control and I'm learning how to apply it with myself - I am becoming more confident.

Even when there are days when I am totally down and lazy (chronic laziness) part of my anxiety I think - is that I don't do the girly things I normally do. If I have makeup on - i feel more energetic. Like I can take control of my anxiety.

It's so hard. I know I need some sort of consultation that's why I need to see a doctor. The last month - it's been gone cos I don't have to go to work. Now that I have to be at work - it's back stronger than ever. I feel so anxious even more because I don't want to get in trouble and I don't want my work life to be affected. These things are important to me but with emotional health is fucked because of a lot of things that happened at work and I keep trying to be strong and handle the pressure in the end I am the one that breaks down.

It feels unfair! it hate itttttttttttttttttttttt

Last night though with all my anxiety - P talked me through it and I felt better but I can't just keep talking and talking. I need to start dealing with it as well.

Anyways - i was so anxious to call work - i sat around for two hours before i can dial and speak. And when i spoke to Nathan i know i sounded like a blubbering mess. I hate being a mess. I want to be back to my old self!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The one that can take on the whole world!

phew.... sadness! now i just need to not be anxious about getting professional assistance.

Ah. I want to be back to my old self!